Why We’re Fated to be Lonely
First - Being a loner isn't terrible. If you are sad that you don't have friends because you feel you're supposed to, I'd say that's wanting friends for the wrong reason. If you feel lonely or have people you want to share things with, that makes sense. On that point, maybe you aren't sure about who you are. An article which explores what's wrong with being a loner and why they are labelled as "maniacs" by the media, and "weird" by society. However, to make things fair, loners are not exempt from committing crimes. In the cases where loners truly are responsible for horrible crimes, we must not lose sight of the many social. 21 May Without a social brain, imperfection is never “normalized;” the soothing mantra “ Everybody feels this way sometimes” cannot be internalized.
My daughter Sam does not like group work. She does not enjoy the task of switching her attention between people who speak in rapid succession, sometimes over each other, and who Is Being A Loner A Bad Thing develop a plan of action while she is still processing a comment from minutes earlier. She also does not enjoy watching as her contributions are ignored, even when by my assessment those ideas could be pursued more fruitfully than the idea that carries the day.
Because she cannot engage in the easy rapport of her classmates, they seem to tolerate, rather than value, her presence. Sam prefers to work alone, and I respect that preference. I also recognize that society needs people who work well with others, and society needs people who work well alone. Picasso never sought collaborators for Guernica ; most writers, while they appreciate editors and sounding boards for their ideas, write in solitude.
Solitude is a valid preference. Either it elevates his or her skill set to the pinnacle of accomplishment, or it promotes the skill set that the author is paid to research and teach to others. But I am realizing this school year that social deficits, at least for Sam, carry a price I had never thought about: Sam assumes that she is the only student in her class who Is Being A Loner A Bad Thing not understand a concept.
She assumes that her difficulty stems from an inherent inadequacy within her, never from a poor explanation La Infidelidad De La Mujer the difficulty of the material. The kids remind each other of the homework assignments, compare answers, ask for explanations from each other, and complain about their teachers. Most parents will not be surprised to hear about this chatter, but those of us whose children are autistic never witness these reassuring exchanges.
Should I have known that? Determining causality involves choosing information from this overload, often arbitrarily. Sanity involves blocking out much of the information, again arbitrarily. Was the relevant information ever revealed?
Most people build their identity in part by comparing their experiences to those of other people. Children compare grades, athletic prowess, and families. And then they decide if they care. They learn how to navigate puberty with its highs and lows by scrutinizing the people around them and by at least for girls dissecting every social interaction with their closest friends.
They learn to rebound from failure by watching others also fail and by learning that their friends still like them, regardless of their performance. I am fine with my daughter preferring her own company and her own acts of creativity. I am proud of her persistence. I just wish I could hear her one day plead ignorance without belittling herself in the process.
Limited knowledge does not reflect failure.
The Price of Being a Loner | Psychology Today
I went to school undiagnosed in the s. Until working as a teaching assistant in grad school in my 20s, I had no idea that many of my classmates' papers must've been barely readable. When I finished grad school and got a "real job," I was again surprised at how much lower standards were than in grad school.
It was like working with undergraduates! The adults who succeed at "hard" things pursue them like autistic people pursue special interests. Their lives are unbalanced. Many normal people are never exposed to environments of truly high and unforgiving standards like that. People are taking remedial math and English. Right now I'm working in tech support at a software company, where I solve problems other people gave up on too easily.
I'm still the nerd doing the cool people's homework for them. Group work in school is realistic preparation for getting exploited by normals. Many normals believe the purpose of childhood is to make the children cute as a monument to their own narcissism instead of preparing their children for life realistically.
Then it Is Being A Loner A Bad Thing until therapy in my 30s that I understood just how bad normals are at love and relationships. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with autism that I understood how bad normals are at empathy.
Is Being A "Loner" Really A Bad Thing?
As a counterpoint to the "low social intelligence" thing: The role of collaborative morality in the emergence of personality variation Is Being A Loner A Bad Thing autistic traits. Here we argue that social buffering of vulnerabilities through the emergence of collaborative morality will have opened new niches for adaptive cognitive strategies and widened personality variation. We particularly consider how a perceptual style based on logic and detail, bringing certain enhanced technical and social abilities which compensate for deficits in complex social understanding could be advantageous at low levels in certain ecological and cultural contexts.
We're supposed to be bad at empathy and perspective-taking, but the normals' standard way of dealing with us is based on behaviorism, the idea that we don't HAVE minds, at least not more than pigeons in Skinner boxes. Then we get blamed for the consequences of being abused and gaslighted. We can't converse normally because adults made us do drills of meaningless things like "point at the triangle; yaaaay! Massive anxiety and helplessness from being ultra-helicopter parented.
Growing up autistic, it's very obvious that the other children AND adults do NOT care about academics beyond what's necessary for basic conformity.
The hypocrisy of the school system cannot be over-stated. The emphasis on compliance over learning is the most obvious thing in the world. In a sense, it's invalid to talk about autistic deficits in causal terms when autistic people are treated so differently and poorly! I think both my parents were on the spectrum. They didn't believe in lying to kids, ideologically.
I just thought maybe people didn't know I even exist. Because she cannot engage in the easy rapport of her classmates, they seem to tolerate, rather than value, her presence. I live behind a closed gate and work behind a locked door. One of the reasons loners are viewed as "wrong" by society is a lack of understanding about what it really is. If anyone is friendly, courteous, and generally a nice person, give them a chance to get closer to you.
I wasn't shielded from any horrible information about how the world works. I think some of the reason I "succeed" where others fail is simply that I accept what an awful reality the normals have created and try to function within it practically. If I were raised by normals, I would've spent my whole childhood being lied to so the adults can avoid uncomfortable emotions themselves. How naive I would've been in that case! I have coworkers who struggle to understand that companies don't care about anything except profitability.
My mom's religion Jehovah's Witness taught me that "this system of things" is wicked and controlled by Satan, with Armageddon coming. It's not literally true, but adults around me do struggle to understand the full implications of climate change. I wouldn't wish autism on anyone, but I wouldn't choose to be normal, either. They include their political identity in questions about the thermodynamics of the atmosphere, and there Is Being A Loner A Bad Thing way more of them.
Barb Cohen is a teacher, writer, and educational advocate with seventeen years of experience parenting an autistic daughter.
Get Listed on Psychology Today. Social interactions provide a reassuring glimpse into others' shortcomings.
The role of collaborative morality in the emergence of personality variation and autistic traits Time and Mind: Post Comment Your name. E-mail The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
Notify me when new comments are posted. Replies to my comment.
Now I feel a lot less guilty for loving being alone and not having a problem with spending a lot of time alone. You aren't hurting a loner by estranging yourself from them, in fact, you're giving them what they've wanted all along. While some loners have anxiety disorders, not all do. Like, 'it's OK to be quiet. I want him to move on to kindergarten and first grade without having learned that there is something wrong with him.
You are reading Mom, Am I Disabled? The Essential Narcissism of Parenthood When does our desire for a better version of ourselves become unhealthy? The steps may be small, but give plaudits to those who try to be inclusive.
Intelligent People Have Fewer Friends, Here's Why...
Columbus, cognitive dissonance and autism shed light on our coping strategies. The Feral Child Nicknamed Genie. The bane of American life? News to Lighten the Hearts of Parents and Caretakers.